


Ending the Nightmare

by Rainbow35



Series: Unsettling Projections [2]
Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Tamers
Genre: Angst, Gaslighting, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Invalidation, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, referenced cocsa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11921763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbow35/pseuds/Rainbow35
Summary: (Sequel to "A Cousin's 'Love'", though I don't think you necessarily need to have read that in order to understand this)Kai has left, so Takato doesn't understand why he still feels scared all the time and nothing seems to have gotten better. He decides that he should tell someone about what happened with Kai. Talking about it is meant to help, right?





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a few weeks since Kai had left, but Takato was still having nightmares and flashbacks, and still didn’t really feel like himself. The fact that Kai wasn’t around meant he wasn’t  _ as _ afraid all the time, but he still often felt as though Kai was going to appear out of nowhere suddenly, even though he knew that wasn’t possible.

He still hadn’t told anyone about what had happened, or asked anyone if it really was normal for cousins to do those things. Although, at this point, he already knew at least on some level that it couldn’t really have been normal if it had messed him up this badly. But he still couldn’t help doubting himself, and wondering if maybe he was just overreacting.

It was still summer vacation, and he’d been spending most of his time either laying in bed feeling miserable, or wandering around the park feeling miserable.

It was a Saturday evening, and Takato was sitting on a swing in the park, staring at the ground, and very slowly moving the swing back and forth.

Someone sat down on the swing next to him, and he jumped, automatically thinking it was Kai.

“Hey, Takato,” Jeri said.

Takato calmed down when he realised that it wasn’t Kai who sat next to him, and he reminded himself yet again that his cousin was back in Okinawa now and  _ couldn’t _ be here.

“Oh, h-hi, Jeri,” Takato said.

“Are you okay? I’m getting worried about you, and so are the others,” she said bluntly, “You really seem like you haven’t been yourself for the past while. You keep flinching and spacing out a lot. Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?”

Takato wasn’t sure what to say. He hadn’t known that it was so obvious, and that everyone had noticed that something was wrong, even if they didn’t know what had happened.

“I- I don’t know,” he said, “Thanks, though.”

Jeri frowned slightly, “Well, I’m always here if you do want to talk to me about whatever it is, and I’m sure the others feel the same way. I think you really should try talking to someone about it, though; talking about a problem is meant to help. You don’t have to suffer alone.”

Takato shrugged.

Jeri looked at him again in concern, then got up from the swing and walked away.

Takato resumed staring at the ground. Would it really be a good idea to try to tell someone? Wouldn’t they just think he was weird or gross? How would he even say it, anyway? He didn’t even want to imagine himself trying to describe everything that had happened between him and Kai in detail, but he wasn’t sure how to try to summarise it.

He sighed.

“ _ How would I summarise it? _ ” he thought, “ _ ‘Me and Kai had sex’? That sounds like we were both equally okay with it _ ,” he felt sick just thinking about it, “ _ ‘Me and Kai had sex and now I’m afraid of him for some reason’? I guess that’s more accurate, but it still sounds like I’m just weird. _ ”

He shook his head, and gave up for now.

 

* * *

That night, Takato lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about what Jeri had said earlier. He still didn’t know how he would accurately summarise what had happened, even if he did want to try to tell someone.

He did know that, technically, if someone has sex with someone who doesn’t want it, then that’s considered rape. And he also knew that he hadn’t wanted to do any of the things he’d done with Kai, and he even thought he remembered asking him to stop at least once. But he didn’t think it  _ really _ qualified as rape; it couldn’t possibly. Maybe it didn’t count since Kai was his cousin. Or, maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough to resist. Or, maybe he actually  _ had _ wanted it the whole time and was wrong just now when he’d thought he hadn’t.

He was positive that it couldn’t possibly count as  _ actual _ rape, and that if he tried to summarise it by saying that Kai had raped him, then he’d be lying. He didn’t know why he was so sure it couldn’t count, though, or what exactly made it different.

He felt tears come to his eyes, and he covered his face with his hands. He felt guilty for even  _ thinking _ of saying his own cousin had raped him; he couldn’t just accuse Kai of something awful like that, especially when Kai had said it was normal! If it was a normal thing for cousins to do, then it obviously couldn’t have been rape, right? Unless Kai had been lying?

Takato felt sick at the thought. Had Kai lied to him? It sure didn’t  _ seem _ normal, but Kai was his only cousin, so how would he know what cousins are supposed to do, anyway? He didn’t want to accuse his own cousin of lying to him, either.

Takato felt like he must be the worst cousin in the world; first he doesn’t want to have sex with Kai, then he’s scared of him, and now he’s thinking of accusing Kai of rape and of lying to him? He was sure that  _ Kai _ would never accuse  _ him _ of anything like that, and that  _ Kai _ wouldn’t be afraid of  _ him _ . And he already knew how enthusiastic Kai was about having sex-

He turned over onto his side, and sobbed into his pillow. He was so confused. Who was the weird one, him or Kai? Who was the bad cousin?

He considered just getting his phone and texting Jeri, “I think Kai raped me”, but decided against it. Jeri didn’t need to be burdened with his ridiculous problems just because she was nice, and what if she thought he was weird? He could just imagine her saying, “Ew, you had  _ sex  _ with your  _ cousin _ ? That’s disgusting!” But he could also imagine her saying, “Oh, that’s all? All cousins do that. I’d thought something was  _ actually _ wrong. My mom and partner  _ died _ , and  _ you _ think your cousin having sex with you counts as a real problem?”

He cried even harder, though he wasn’t entirely sure if Jeri was really the kind of person to say those things. But still, he didn’t want to risk it. The same applied to pretty much everyone else he could think of, too; he wasn’t sure if they’d  _ actually _ be mean to him about it, but he didn’t think it was worth the risk.

He tried to think of who would be least likely to react badly; the more he thought about it, the more he felt like maybe he should try to tell  _ someone _ , but he wasn’t sure who.

Maybe he could try telling his parents? He thought back to how his mother had freaked out when she first found out about Guilmon; did that mean she’d freak out about this, too? But both his parents had adjusted to that in the end and it had been okay, so maybe that meant that they’d be  _ less _ likely to react badly to this.

He decided that he’d try to tell one of his parents about it tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

Takato woke up with a feeling of dread, reflexively worrying that Kai would be there. He calmed down slightly as he looked around and reminded himself yet again that his cousin was gone, but the feeling returned with more intensity when he remembered that he’d decided that today he would try to tell his parents about what had happened with Kai.

He took a deep breath. “ _Okay_ ,” he thought, “ _I’ll do it as soon as I get up. But how do I even start? Should I lead into it somehow, or just say, ‘me and Kai had sex’ or ‘I think Kai sort of raped me’?_ ”

He felt sick at the thought. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“ _Come on, I fought against all kinds of evil digimon and saved the world, but I’m afraid of_ this _?_ ”

Somehow, that thought didn’t help. If anything, it just made him feel even worse, since if he’d gotten through everything else just fine, why was this insignificant thing suddenly such a big problem?

He sat up in bed, but then didn’t move from that position. He tried to calm down and mentally prepare to talk to one of his parents, but it seemed that the more he tried to be calm, the less calm he felt.

There was a knock on his door, and he jumped, nearly falling out of bed.

“Takato? Are you awake? It’s nearly eleven am, you should get up!” his mother said.

“Oh, uh, y-yeah,” he said, and quickly climbed down. “Actually, can I- can I talk to you about something?” he asked, forcing the words out before he could change his mind.

His mother came in, looking concerned. “Yes, of course. What is it?”

Takato felt as though his throat had closed up, and his mind went blank. How had he been going to start off? What words had he been going to use? His heart was pounding, and he was shaking.

“What is it?” his mother repeated.

“Well, I- Um… When- When Kai was here, um- He- Uh… Something… Bad happened, I think?”

Takato’s mother looked confused. “What? What do you mean? What happened?”

“Uh…” Takato’s face went red, and he tried to pretend that the words he was about to say had no meaning at all, “I think, technically speaking, he sort of… Might have… R-raped me?” he choked out.

Takato’s mother’s eyes widened, “ _What?!_ ”

Takato said nothing, and stared at the ground.

“That can’t be right,” his mother said, more to herself than to Takato, “He doesn’t seem like the kind of person to do something like that.”

“What?” Takato asked, confused, “Do you mean it must have been the other way around, or that I didn’t ask him to stop, or what?”

She shook her head, “No, I mean you must have just imagined it, or dreamt it, maybe. I can’t possibly imagine Kai having done something like that.”

Takato didn’t understand. “But… He did. I wouldn’t just make something like this up,” he said quietly.

“I’m not saying you would _lie_ about something like this,” she said, “I’m sure you wouldn’t. You must just be confused. You must have just had a dream so vivid that you thought it actually happened.”

“...Maybe?” Takato said quietly, “I mean, it was pretty much always at night and in bed, and we were sleeping next to each other, so maybe I couldn’t tell the difference between what I dreamt happened during the night and what actually happened during the night?”

He frowned. This didn’t seem right. He was sure it had actually happened; he’d woken up sticky and in pain, and the pain had stayed for days. Could he really have just imagined all of that? He _thought_ it was real, but he didn’t have any concrete evidence anymore, since all the physical damage had healed by now.

“But would I really have dreamt the same thing every night?” Takato asked doubtfully.

“I don’t know,” his mother admitted, “But I guess you must have, unless you only dreamt it once but somehow remember it as though it was every night? Either way, maybe we should send you to a therapist; it sounds really concerning that you’d have repeated dreams about your own cousin raping you, and also that you’d think those dreams really happened.”

Takato nodded slowly, “Y-Yeah, I guess that might help. Thanks, mom.”

“No problem,” she said, and left the room.

As soon as she was gone, Takato sat down on the floor and started to cry.

Had he really just imagined everything? _Really?_   He had been _so sure_ that it had all really happened, but now he was starting to doubt it.

But if it really had just been a dream, why had he been so scared around Kai? And why was he still constantly on edge? Had he just taken the dreams too seriously?

He sobbed harder; somehow, the idea that none of it had really happened just upset him more. But why? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? The idea felt so _wrong_ , though. Maybe it _was_ wrong. Maybe it _had_ all really happened and his mom was the one who was wrong. He really wasn’t sure at all anymore.

Before now, he’d just taken it for granted that it had all actually happened, and the only doubts he’d had were about whether or not it was wrong, and whether or not he’d secretly wanted it. But now, while his mom had indirectly confirmed that what had happened was wrong and that it wasn’t his fault, she’d thrown into question whether or not it had happened at all. It was almost reassuring to now know that _if it had happened_ then it would have been wrong of Kai and it wouldn’t have been his fault, but the new doubts drowned out any comfort that that might have been.

He had really thought that telling someone about it might help, but it seemed that it had been a terrible idea, since his mother didn’t believe him and now thought he was delusional, and he wasn’t sure whether to even believe himself anymore. He definitely wouldn’t make the mistake of trying to tell anyone else, though; if his mother of all people reacted like this, then who knew how any of his friends might react?

He allowed himself to hold out a bit of hope for therapy, though; therapists were specially trained and qualified, right? So surely a therapist would be able to tell him for sure whether he had just imagined it or if it had really happened, and surely they would at least be really tactful about it if they told him they didn’t believe him, right? He assumed that would be the case anyway, since they would be a professional, and all.

 


End file.
